Pagan?

So, new pagan or old?  I've been studying, in a very haphazard way, pagan religions, focusing on Wicca but not exclusively, for about 20 years now, and I still have no idea how to label myself.  I can outline a few beliefs, I have what I consider to be a set of morals based on those beliefs, and I try to live by those morals as much as I can.  I get lazy sometimes, like not cleaning out that icky but highly recyclable container holding the no-longer recognizable former foodstuffs, and throwing it away instead.  But I also bend over to pick up trash in the hallway, or in a parking lot, and I recycle as much as I can at the school where I work.

New pagan or old?  Over the 20 years I have never actually been to a ritual, joined a group, or done any dedications, self or otherwise.  It has been a struggle because I want the benefits of being a part of a community, but I want one wherein I can be true to myself.  I have been to the last three Central North Carolina Pagan Pride Days festivals, but have not made the kinds of connections I am looking for, probably due to my own silly shyness.

New pagan or old?  I have started many books on Wicca and Paganism, but never finished any of them.  It seems I lack dedication to the process.  But is the process really all that important, at least to me?  I feel a little bad about not finishing any of these self-imposed studies, but maybe I do not finish them because some part of me knows that what I am looking for is not in any book.

New pagan or old?  I find myself thinking more and more about my religion these past few years.  I yearn to meet regularly with like minded individuals, maybe even do group rituals.  But rural USA is not quite the place for finding such things, especially here in the bible belt.

What I believe:

• The divine is not just one gender.  It is both male and female, though they are two sides of the same coin.
• The divine comes from life, not the other way around.  As life has developed (I can not speak for anywhere but here on Earth!), the divine has also developed.  As life got more complex, so to did the divine.
• The Goddess represents the raw materials needed for life to exist, so therefore she is matter.
• The God represents the energy needed for life to exist, therefore he is energy.
• Since energy and matter are equivalent (energy = mass X the speed of light squared) I conclude that the God and Goddess are different forms of the same thing.
• Since we have both matter and energy in us, we have both the male and the female in each if us.
• Nature is sacred, only nature (WHO wrote this quote originally?  I have found it all over, first saw it on an Omnia video )

So, do these beliefs make me a Pantheist?  Something seems a bit missing to me in Pantheism.  Just a bit.  I think I want the divine to be more personal than what I think it is to a Pantheist.  But just because I want something to be does not make it so.

Also, I really like what little is known about the Celtic gods and goddesses.  Either as real personalities or archetypes to help us focus prayers/magic, they speak to me more than Norse or Greek or Roman or any other pantheon I know of.  But then again,I do not know of all the pantheons out there.

So, old pagan?  New pagan? Neo-pagan?  Whatever I am, there it is.

Thanks for reading.